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托福写作学生写作范例修改

2020-01-14

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

 

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Society development mainly depends on businesses' contribution,environment mainly depends on businesses' protection, and workers mainly depend on businesses' care. Therefore, other than make a profit,businesses can and must do a lot of other important things. That means businesses must support society, improve workers' life, and protect environment as well as make a profit.


Almost all the financial resources of society come from industry. How important it is for the businesses to support society. The largest source is tax, so that every firm and every factory should pay tax that is required. Not only paying tax contribute to society, but also helpful for the development of businesses. Bill Gates said that tax is the fundament of a company as well as society, which can benefit both company and society.Thus, businesses must do the legal things to improve society.

本段点评:原句中的两个分句是因果关系,so可以用作连词引导表示结果的句子,但是用so that不正确,它引导的从句是表示目的而非结果。

 

For we have only one world, environment is the basic of all things we do on earth. Can a company develop without a good environment? Can a company get more benefits with a disgusting environment? The answer is surely "no." Big companies know such theories and do things to prevent the environment from being destroyed. Lenovo, a big IT company i China, is among those big companies. Every year, Lenovo spends a large amount of money to product environment without regret. By doing this,Lenovo makes a profit at the same time.

本段

点评:benefit可以作及物动词,如可以说benefit sth.。但是如果说“从哪里获益”,要用from这个介词,即benefit from...

点评:原句spend的搭配用得不正确,spend可以表示“花费钱或时间”。常用的搭配有:spend money on sth./sb.“在某人或某事上花钱”;spend time with sb.“花时间和某人在一起”;spend time in doing sth.“花时间做某事等”。另外,原句有些唠嗦,改后稿用while结构省略了一个句子,使句子更加简洁。


Workers are the smallest parts of a company, but it doesn't mean that workers are the least important. In fact, workers are one of the most primary factors which has a large influence on the development of companies. Successful businesses know the importance of workers and they try their best to improve the living quality of their employees. Such companies like Microsoft or Bell, spend more than fifteen precent of their profit on their staff. Companies' benefits will rise when workers' welfare improves. It's always true in most countries and in most companies.

本段点评:when虽然也表示“当…的时候”的意思,但是这里还是用as更合适,因为as更突出表示两件事情的发生是相辅相成的,即随着雇员福利的改善,公司也会获利。


From all these aspects can we refer that businesses can not only do things to make a profit. Things like supporting society, protecting environment, and benefiting staff are more essential. Without these, a company can't develop well, or at least can't develop for a long time.

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